Michael's Collection of Stupid Quotes

"For the Lord shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken" - Proverbs, the Bible.

"America was born out of the bowels of such men as Mr. Dole - a great American whose nobility of purpose and resolve President Lincoln once called upon to preserve this one nation under God." - Philip. A. Martin, Capt. US Army, retired, letter to the editor, Washington Times, 2 Apr 1995.

"We are going to give you sex--satisfaction guaranteed and your money back . . ." - Bob Dole, 4 Nov 1996, in the only testimony to stupid quotes (of which there were many) during the election of '96.

"Independence Court of Hyattsville, Assisted Living" - sign on the wall by the entrance to the neighborhood.

"Remains Identified; Police Believe Victim Died" - headline of an AP news story.

"CORRECTION: In 'How to wrap a rabid rabbit' by Martin Gregory (Forum, 22 January) it was stated incorrectly that 'African languages have only five vowels.' It was in fact the author's 'class of African students' who had only five vowels. The error was editorial and not the author's." - New Scientist, 1994.

"Big Mac? Slave Master Now? No slave ain't master now. Ride them cowboy. Terrorist, radicals, and militants in authoritative roles to provoke violent crimes, Cecil. B. Moore" - Brenda Butler Bryant, filing in federal court in Philadelphia, 1993 or 1994.

"Job Growth Reduces Unemployment" - The Post-Star (newspaper) from Glen Falls, NY .

"If you stand in the middle of the universe and talk to Albert Einstein, he talks back to you." - Matthias Klude, 22 July 96. This makes more sense if you know the Einstein statue in DC...

From the Faux-Faulkner contest:

"Kiss me passionately, Barnyard, immediately."
"No, you are Father's wife."
"Kiss me, Barnyard, extravagently, flaciuosly.....kiss me contagiously, phonetically."
"No, you are Father's second wife, my fourth cousin, and that's your sixth adverb."
- John Ruemmler, 1995.

"Can I see your little otter?" she asks.
Mark Trail answers, "Uh...Sure!"

"Hi, I'm Dean White, dick of the college" - Richard (Dick) White, Academic Dean at Duke University, at a faculty dinner in 1995.

"Police determined the student was the only one in the room during the time of the fruit incidents." - The Diamondback, UMCP newspaper, spring semester 1996.

"The 'weapons' used by the seven successful hijackers included a block of soap wrapped in newspaper, a blood pressure gauge, and two bottles of ink" - source unknown about a Chinese airplane hijacking, 1993.

"43% of all statistics are lies." - Nicolas Phillips, 28 mar 96

"Es waren einmal ein Tannenbaum, eine Triangel, und ein Riegel Toblerone, die feierten zusammen Wiehnachten in einem Zelt auf Sylt...." - Das Kleine Arschloch, Eine Dreiecks-Geschichte.

"For Distant Viewing" - on a telescope at Emerald Isle, NC, 3 apr 96

"No banana hat, no dinner, ruled Fred." - (from a print Lulu has....).

"Leddies and Jendlmenn, Wui wil schortli bi ärreiffing in Klagenfurt." - Austrian train announcement for international travelers. Read German, think English.

"Unbeknownst to them all, the celebrity-restaurateur now sits in a corridor of the Dementia wing of a private nursing home...
'I'd prefer a baked potato with my pureed steak'"
- Julius Knipl, Real Estate Photographer, drawn by Ben Katchor.

"If wonders never happens, then nobody never believe in them, but if happens, does wonders will be their name!" - letter sent to the creators of Total Distortion (video game), quote taken from March 96 issue of Addicted to Noise

"Antique Tables, Made Daily" - sign on the way to Old Rag Mountain in Virginia.

"On this site in 1796, nothing exciting happened." - A sign at a railroad crossing near Elkridge, MD on the Camden Line of the MARC, Mar 1996.

"Opera Gets Woodies, But What Happens Next?" - Headline in Washington Post, 21 Mar 96. (Answer: Blue balls?)

These links may be dead:

Sometimes, there's just no comparison....Dan Quayle
When the going gets tough, there's always Tom Waits to make your day better....("I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Did he say it, or was he quoting someone.....?)